Step 9 Considering Others

Step Nine:  We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Healthy recovery brings with it renewed sensitivity in our relationships. We want to be careful that we aren't trying to achieve our personal serenity at the expense of someone else.  When we're making amends, we need to be wise in the way we go about it. 

Live wisely among those who are not Christians, and make the most of every opportunity.  Let your conversation be gracious and effective so that you will have the right answer for everyone. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others. (Colossians 4:4-6, 1 Corinthians 10:23-24 NLT)

When making amends we need to weigh the feelings and needs of the people who will be exposed to what we say and do.  Since we are not always the best judge of what needs to be disclosed and when, we can rely on God, our sponsor, or another trusted friend in recovery, for help and guidance with these decisions.  Reviewing our intended amends with a sponsor or trusted friend helps one consider our motivation and the consequences of our intended actions.  Sometimes indirect amends is the most appropriate choice (i.e. amends through changed behaviour).

The wise are known for their understanding, and instruction is appreciated if it's well presented.  Discretion is a life-giving fountain to those who possess it, but discipline is wasted on fools.  From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive.  Kind words are like honey -- sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. (Proverbs 16:21-24 NLT)

We do not avoid making amends in order to spare ourselves discomfort -- that will only increase our guilt and prevent our healing.  In some cases we need to stop doing something, such as gossiping, complaining, or controlling.  In all cases, when we are not sure what type of amends is called for, we remember that making direct amends is our responsibility except when someone would be harmed.  We pray for guidance as we approach each task.